I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
