the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
