i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
