I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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