He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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