I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
