Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
