i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
