I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i drank out of a bidet.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
