you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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