if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
