batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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