In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
