I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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