I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I wear drunk well.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
