Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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