I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
