Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
