actually, I'm a sock model
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
