Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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