Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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