I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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