worst night to have a conscience
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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