my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
