Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
