OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
