it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
