I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
im on a boat
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