UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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