What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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