He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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