Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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