dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
should my penis look like a turkey
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
