can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Randomize
