I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
