Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I love having hate sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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