He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
