I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
