I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
