I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
