I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
