hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
