Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
