His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
