I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
