I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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