i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
