oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
