Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
