so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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