Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
