You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
