i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
3pm strippers are depressing
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
