mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
