My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
